If you want more insanity please go to Plus Man and Dog

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

I have lost my appetite and am losing weight.  I feel a little tired but am otherwise fine (mind you I haven’t been sleeping because of the writing but that’s another story) and well, I am so much more sensitive than usual.

Nothing more than a stiff breeze.  Seriously.

So, I have started another blog because there are some things you just can’t discuss on a site where your work colleagues and people who know you go to and marvel at the fact that you can drone on and on about nothing at all at an irregular pace.

I don’t even know what I’m going to write on there yet but I feel like if I don’t have an outlet for these feelings inside me I may explode… and not in a good way.

And I am tense anyway.  Job interview on Friday and I am really nervous about it.

Today there was rugby but England lost so we’re ignoring that at the moment.

I had a revelation about my writing today, I like writing fanfiction and I refuse to get all snotty about it – but we’re ignoring that at the moment.

I had a lovely conversation with a delicious person on Facebook today that made me remember all the good thins about being uninhibited and a little bit crazy and wild so I decided to really go there and got the Southern Comfort out.

Now, apart from port, which makes me do silly things like sleep with inappropriate people Southern Comfort is my ‘loosening up’ drink and I got loose tonight.

I have been trying to write an ‘angry sex’ scene for days and nothing was working.  It’s been soooo long angry or otherwise that I was having trouble remembering.  Thank God for the internet.  I mean, I still haven’t written the scene but I can remember things now.

Tonight I had no intentions of drinking.  I was going to write, read, watch a bit of Tv and potter off to bed.  But instead…

There be drinkin’ here… and Prince wailing an order to Gett Off.

It’s that kind of night.

This is a being a whole different kind of Self Love post to last year.

Love to you all.

This is not because I am not full of love for you all, and is not because I am dead (thank you so much for that email… you know who you are).  It is purely becauseI find myself a little more uninteresting than usual… and don’t want to bore you.

Update on my life?  Okay.

I work, I sleep, I write, I read, I watch TV and I work and sleep some more.

And I sing.  Well, I’ve started to sing in my head. And at bus stops.  But seriously, bursting into song like life is a musical isn’t all that weird, right?

Mmmm… I have been feeling a bit emotional recently.   I spent some time with my bestest friend in the whole wide world and she reminded me of who I used to be before… well…  before… and I am quite desperate to get back to being that person again.

It’s just so hard.

Medically, life goes on.  The month on inhalers for the asthma I don’t have went by with nothing changing but we are giving it another go with a steroid addition to get the inhalers to kick start or something.

One day, I swear I am going to start rattling when I walk. 

I am in the middle of a long application process I really want and am quite scared about equally.  I have been given so much help and advice by everyone – apparently I need to ‘sell myself more’.  Any ideas?

I am pulling my head out ofmy arse and trying to get my crap together but y’know how it is!

I am obscenely excited about things coming up in my life.  March and April are going to be quite huge for me. 

While, for the foreseeable future this is not going to be a daily blog I am going to try hard to update more often.

And I really do love you all.

More than you know.

I accidentally republished all aof my old Camel posts on Out of My Tree by not paying attetion to what I was doing.  I was supposed to be reinstalling Camel as a complete blog on my own Hosting site so that those who want to could read it without having to go all the way to WordPress.com.

As a result of my numbskullery there was a rush of well over a hundred Tweets in less than a minute… which as you imagine was horrendous for anyone who subscribed to my Twitterfeed.  And for anyone who subscribes to my Facebook statuses as they all would have drifted over there.

I am, well, a fucking idiot.  This is exactly the kind of thing that I try to avoid doing as I don’t want to annoy anyone online, as they are… to be honest, the only ones I feel like I can communicate with as they don’t have to look into my eyes and see the self pitying crap that is there most of the time.

And today started off so bloody well.  My iPod didn’t hate me today playing lots of Jason Mraz and I saw someone who always makes me laugh on the bus into work.  Work was fun today – busy and hectic, but fun.  It was almost montage-y in it’s lightness. I mean, we were all seriously getting on with work but… in a upbeat way.

I felt connected to the physical world in a way I haven’t for a long time… and it scares the ever living crap out of me.

I have been smiling a lot recently.  People around me smile back.  But the smile on my face is a borrowed emotion from books, music, films and the fantasies in my head.  My mask is firmly back on. There is a storm gathering in my head and I’m not sure how much longer I can avoid it.

Yes, I am feeling a little tired today.

“.. almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

And I’m trying, Mr. Jobs, I’m really trying.